Clueless by J. Roman

Author:J. Roman [Roman, J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dreamspinner Press LLC

Chapter Five

JASON didn’t text or call me all weekend. I went through the motions at the community service, doing what I was told and nothing else. I barely spoke to anyone as our one-month anniversary came and went. I had no appetite and no interest in anything other than sitting in front of the TV and watching endless episodes of Deadliest Catch on Netflix. Uncle Mark offered to go out and get us pizza, tempting me with the offer of picking out the toppings of one for myself, but I passed. I didn’t care anymore. What was there to care about?

I should’ve had sex with Jason when he’d wanted to behind the bowling alley. At least then I would’ve felt like I got something from what we’d been. Now I was wondering about it constantly. If I would’ve, would he still be with me? Would he have been in a better place and taken Uncle Mark and Uncle Charlie up on the counseling? Would he have trusted me to carry him through his problems? I didn’t know. But wondering about it was a bitch.

“Hey,” Dean greeted me, plopping beside me on the couch and offering a bowl of popcorn. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Think so.” I grabbed a handful and munched, eyes riveted on the screen. It was mindless, and I enjoyed it. Jason always called me an idiot for getting into shows like Deadliest Catch and Swamp People, but whatever. He was the one who watched crap like Grey’s Anatomy. How gay could he get?

“Jason’s gone, huh?”

I sighed, annoyed at the interruption. “Yeah. Can you drop it?”

“Sorry, man.” His silence lasted through his next mouthful of popcorn. “Charlie and Mark are worried about you.”

I didn’t want that. “I’m okay.” I paused and chose to clarify. “I’ll be okay.”

“You say that, but I’m not sure you mean it. You said that at your mom’s funeral, man. If I had a mom worth yours, I would’ve been ripped up.”

Then he decided to be quiet, so I was turning over his words in my head. I felt like my insides had been put through a meat grinder and had felt that way in greater and lesser degrees since my mom died. Jason was the icing on the proverbial cake. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems, didn’t want to appear weak when I was drowning. Startled, it finally clicked. Jason and I had similar problems. We just chose different ways to express them. Whereas he lashed out, I became the easy kid. I shrugged it off and got good grades and made myself helpful when all I wanted to do was bury myself under my bed and not come out for a month. I wanted to cry and wouldn’t let myself because I knew my tears would make everyone else feel bad.

I got up off the couch and went into the kitchen. I had lectured Jason, told him it was okay, that he could confide in me, that he could trust Uncle

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